and wow has life changed since I posted last. I guess things always change, life can’t be static. I get that. I admit that I’m not happy with where my life has gone at this point.

It’s hard not to be desolate and negative, and it’s harder to feel like there is going to be happiness again. I’ve reached some serious low points and I don’t want to go back there. I’m trying to stay busy but sometimes that is just not enough.

I’m angry, and bitter. Every time I have to do something myself, laundry or dishes. Groceries or bed time. I am resentful that he is usually sleeping all day while I’m running my ass off trying to keep my family running smoothly. Okay not smoothly, just at all. It’s hard doing it yourself with this many children. I’m also angry and bitter that he will undoubtedly find himself settled happily into a new life without any true responsibility and I am left holding the bag. I am tempted to tell him to take the kids most days even though I know his parenting is ridiculous. I also know that most likely he would still be able to live a normal life because his mom would take over.

I want to move back home, to Canada where I should have been in the first place. There are a lot of conflicting emotions about my wanting to leave, guilt and fear but mainly I just want to go home. I wonder though, is that the answer or am I just being vindictive and taking his kids from him? I know he’s not going to step up in the end, and I know he’s just going to go about life like we never happened eventually… or do I? Am I just using that as justification?

I wish I could be satisfied with my life, regardless of the path it takes but right now I’m just really unhappy with the way it’s gone. I feel like I’ve let down my children, by not being smart with the men I choose in my life and by not being smart with the choices I make with education, jobs, etc. I honestly feel like a complete utter failure and of absolutely no good to anyone in this world.

I think back to my mom. She wasn’t a good parent, and I KNOW I’m a better parent than she was but that’s not the point here. I remember how devastated I was when she died. I thought that my life would never be good without her. I realize now that my life was BETTER without her. I hate saying that, obviously I loved and still love my mom, but my future just could not have been positive (haha, cause it is now..) if my life had continued on its path it was on with her. I probably would have ended up in repeated bad, dangerous situations as a child. As much as my mother loved me, and I loved her, love itself wouldn’t possibly have been enough to make sure that I had a good life, and as awful as it may be her dying was a GOOD thing for me. I look at Michael’s mom, and the way she’s raised his brother and sisters and their outcome, and it’s not good either. Her situation was/is so similar to mine, 4 young kids, going it alone, depressed, pissed off.. ridiculous uninvolved father.. she spends her days either in bed, wallowing in misery or off on far away vacations without her 14 year old daughter. Her youngest is miserable, depressed and hates living with her mother. When I tried to talk to her about it she said it wouldn’t matter because her mom doesn’t care anyway.

Sometimes it’s NOT a good thing when the mother ends up with the kids, but I could never ever give my kids to that man. He is a ridiculous parent. He lacks even basic parenting skills, communication skills, and really they’d end up being raised by the woman I just described which isn’t good for them either.
I feel like I’m out of options at this point. I’m not good enough for my children at this point in time, but I lack the drive and the energy and the brains to make it better. Their father is a ridiculous hot mess. I just don’t see any positive direction that my life can go in at this point in time, and that is scary.