bawk bawk.
I want to start out with, going to jail was THE best thing that could have happened to me. I wasn’t instantly a good girl or anything, no I still did bad things after, but I learned some hard lessons and learned that there were things I couldn’t do.
That’s right peeps. I did time.
When I was 15, I was hanging around with my best friend at the time. We were basically family, our families were close and we spent a lot of time together. She had a baby, and had moved into her own place. I went over to visit, and I’m not sure what we were thinking but we were bored. And broke. Her baby was off with someone, and we had a couple guys over. Someone got this idea somehow to go and break in to the apartment next to hers and steal some stuff, sell it and buy some alcohol. In retrospect, we made a good bunch of the dumbest choices ever. So us girls, and these two guys, go next door. They kick in the door for us and in we go. Once inside, they went to work. I, being the major pansy I am, stayed in the kitchen and freaked out. We didn’t wear gloves, or masks, we wore hoodies. Oy.
While I was there, watching out the kitchen window in case someone came the paper boy walked up to the door. I pushed the broken door closed as well as I could, and watched in horror as he opened the screen, shoved the newspaper at the door, and left. I may have peed myself, I don’t know. So finally they finish whatever they’re doing, we all pile out the door, and go back to her apartment.
So they go about getting rid of stuff, she hides jewelry around the house and the guys took the electronics and I don’t even know what they did with them.
So we’re sitting around, and my friend gets this awesome idea to call the cops and report a burglary next door. I kinda felt like this was a very bad idea, but I didn’t say anything. What does a 15 year old know?
Moving on, we waited and talked about how much of a thrill that was and waited some more. I was in the bathroom (which was next to the door) when cops knocked on her door. Practically crapping my pants, I go and get her. At some point her baby must have been brought back home, because I remember taking her and holding her. She invited the cops in to talk, who questioned all of us. Then they convinced her to let them look around the house all casual, promised not to dig too deep, then they’d supposedly just disappear.
Turns out they had positive ID’s on us from the other neighbor who saw us break in. They honed in on the places where she stashed the jewelry, and I watched with my stomach in my throat as they started talking about taking us in. Shit shit shit shit. Sighing, I put her baby down and I was taken away first. She had to wait until someone came to get her daughter. My 15 year old ass was dragged handcuffed to a cop car and shoved in the back. Processing was a blur. Step on this spot, empty your pockets. Sign this. Go here, get your picture done and sit in a very small cell. Short time later, she was brought in and put next to me. Then for some reason, I use the zipper of my jeans to write my name on the cell door. Was charged with additional charges of mischief and damages to federal property or some shit, and they took my pants away. I was given no blanket, and slept cold on the bed until I was released.
My mom posted bail after my hearing the next day at court. I was given bail conditions and sent home.
I was so pissed at the world for the arrest, and thought that the bail conditions were bogus. I had a boyfriend at the time who was a little older than me and lived down the street from me, so after a day or two, I ran away from home and lived with him for a couple days. We smoked a lot of weed, and drank a lot. The next day I was truly hungover, and gross because I didn’t take anything with me when I ran. I was also broke. We went to the drug store at the mall and I wandered around and stole some necessities. Deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo, Tylenol, Pepto, tampons, etc.With my embarrassing stash of toiletries, I was indeed busted as I walked out of the store. Sitting there miserable and hungover and embarrassed as they inventoried my shit and called the cops, I realized that I was going to be arrested. Again. I started to get SO pissed, and was yelling at that poor loss prevention officer, telling him he was being stupid calling the cops for this small amount of stuff. It didn’t change a thing. The cop showed up, got the report, cuffed me and off we went out the mall. Getting arrested at the mall in a small town is embarrassing.
So, overnight again, sent to court again, (this time I kept my pants) and was starting to become known by the jail guards at the courthouse. One of whom was a particular asshole. He was rude, and honestly I still can’t stand his face even though I don’t remember his name.
This time, I am put before the honorable Judge Lenz. This guy was a legendary hardass. Everything I had heard about him was bad. For the first time, I was honestly scared.
After being lectured for a while about coming back to the courts in less than a month, he read off my list of things I’d stolen. The whole courtroom started laughing and I was mortified. Then I was told my mom was not allowed to post bail because I had escaped her care. He read my charges, including some prior charges from a while back that had been dropped, but because of my behavior were being reconsidered. The list was long, and horrible. Vandalism, theft, burglary, assault, violence, resisting arrest, falsifying personal information (aka giving a fake name to a cop. Apparently Anita Doob isn’t funny to anyone but me..) anyway.. I was given an option, go to jail or I can be bailed out by one of my aunts who was very generously willing to do so. I chose bail. As part of my new bail condition, I was to live in the next town over, and my presence in my current home town would be considered a breach and I would be arrested immediately. I would not be granted further bail, it would be straight to jail.. do not pass go. People I was KICKED OUT OF MY TOWN.
I was all whatever about it though, and I moved in with my other aunt. I transferred schools to the local high school, and tried to live a normal life. This was an even smaller town than my town, and my family was fairly well known there. This was not good. By the time I started school, most of the teachers had already formed an opinion of me. Good or bad, my name gave me a reputation in every class room. I decided since I was already screwed, why try? Oh, I owned that school. I smoked in the bathroom when it wasn’t even break, and pretty much threatened my way through everything. Bitch you’re standing in front of my locker, move or you will be part of the door. Get out of my face, don’t look at me, did I say you could walk through here?
I did okay there for a while. I was still smoking pot, and having fun, but I kept my nose out of the eyes of the law. I didn’t get caught. My grades were fine, minus that one class where the teacher apparently hated my whole family. Whatever, she was a bitch. A couple weeks down the road, I get called in to the principals office. Somehow, and who knows how, the asshole principal that was at my old high school, who basically made my life miserable and spent my whole time there telling me I was a worthless loser, had transferred to my new school. He found me on the roster and I guess it was just too much for him to hold in and he needed to tell me that day. We relived some weird Breakfast Club scene where he told me he was watching me, he knew I was on bail conditions, and if I fucked up once I was out. I rolled my eyes a lot and waited to be dismissed.
That day I got in a fight. Right in front of his office. I don’t know if I was testing him or what but he wasn’t kidding. I was suspended that day, and sent home. I knew I was fucked because school attendance was a part of my bail conditions. I walked home and smoked a big fat bowl on my way. I sat on the deck in the middle of winter high off my damn tree and waited for everyone to come home from work.
It was a blur, but I remember my aunt coming home and telling me to pack my things. I was being driven to my home town. Double fuck. So, I go home. I walk in to my apartment and my mom hugged me, and immediately started to make me some food because I was starving. It was too late though, she was rushing around trying to cook for me and the cops knocked on the door. This still makes me cry to think about, she was so concerned about me eating. The cop comes in and she tells him I haven’t eaten yet, if he could wait just so I could eat something. He said no, but that he would make sure I was taken care of. My last meal in that shit hole was frozen and defrosted egg sandwiches and warm milk. I wasn’t looking forward to it. So we’re getting ready to go, and the cop says to me “Look, I won’t put the cuffs on you. I know this sucks. Promise me you won’t be stupid.” I was pretty much resigned at that point. I knew where my future lay, so I complied. He walked me through the halls of my 500 unit apartment building, and I was put in the back of the car. Driving the all to familiar route to the station, he pulls in to the port and tells me that he has to cuff me now, or he’ll lose his job. So cuffed, I walk in the door with him. Without a word, I follow the exact procedure I’ve followed twice before in less than 6 months time. The booking officer laughs at me and asks if I’ve done this before. “Once or twice I guess” was all I could reply. I’m processed, and off I go. To my same damn cell. 15 year olds should not have their “usual” cell. They had painted over my name by then, all fresh paint on the cell doors. Dark blue. Sit down, hopeless I stare at the wall. It’s freezing. The officer comes in to check on me, and I swear this guy had a daughter of his own. He was the kindest man. He smiles at me and asks if I need anything. “A book, a blanket and a four course meal?” I ask. He comes in with my coat, and says he couldn’t get me a blanket but I can have my coat to keep warm. Here’s a book from their library, and how about a burger, fries and a coke.
“Um, are you serious??” I ask. “I promised your mom. What do you say?”
He wasn’t fooling. I ate so well that night. After dinner I laid and read my book and tried to sleep. I was so scared, I cried a lot, and tried to imagine my life for the next how long.
Sometime in the morning, a cop came and woke me up. “Time to get ready, you’re due to see judge Lenz in a few hours.”
Fuuuuuuuck.

I’m going to try to do as well as I can with remembering my teenage years. These are much harder to remember, unlike my innocent childhood.
After the school year when I turned 10, I moved in with my favorite aunt at the time. She adopted me, and we started our life. That poor woman got the raw end of the deal, because I was genuinely NOT a joy to work with.
She tried, she tried hard, we had counseling appointments both individual and together.
So eventually I think she realized that life was going to be insane, and while I kept up my individual counseling I’ll be honest in saying it did nothing for me. I didn’t want it, I told the counselors what they wanted to hear and I got out of there as fast as I could.
The year my mom died, the Tim Horton foundation sent me on an all expenses camping trip to Nova Scotia. I got to ride an airplane, and I got to meet new people. I got to have temper tantrums and attempt to walk home.
From Nova Scotia.
You know, across water… OH I was a gem! Other than those few tantrums though, I really did have a wonderful time and it was the experience of a lifetime for me. I’ll always be so grateful to them for doing that for me when I needed it most.
Summer camps the years after that weren’t through them, but through another group. I went right up until my 16th year, and I loved it every year.
I’m getting ahead of myself here though.
Man its so hard to relate my life in terms of a timeline, because really all I have are scattered memories from I don’t even know when. Maybe I’ll just pick a story and post it as I go.. you can put the pieces together if you desire.

First thing though, some things I need to get off my chest.
I was a cutter, I was a bulemic, and I tried to kill myself a couple times through my teenage years. I look back at myself and all the drama and I can’t help but wonder why the hell I kept everything inside so much. Like it was such a shameful thing that I couldn’t handle life, and I needed medication for help. I started self medicating with drugs and alcohol, and I followed some very bad paths. I was a terrible person, I tore others down, and I would get into fights so I could physically hurt someone as much as I possibly could. I had a talent of being able to sniff out someone’s emotional weakness, and poke at it and prod at it until they crumbled. I was cold, I didn’t care. I was GLAD someone else hated themselves as much as I hated me. I don’t even know who that person is any more, and it’s a shame that I was that way. I feel like a fraud now as an adult, and this is probably the reason why I can’t accept a compliment to save my life. I don’t deserve it.

My most prominent memory is probably when I went to jail, but I am going to have to come back to that one because hoo boy is it a long story. That one probably deserves its own page.

Today marked the 20th anniversary of my mom’s horrible accident.
If you haven’t read it, you can read about it here

I’ve thought some about my mom today. I cried some about my mom today. I thought about my family, and I missed them. How we all pulled together when this happened.
I thought about the little girl whose 10th birthday was just around the corner from a serious life altering event like that, and I cried for her.
I thought about how that little girl had no idea what was going to happen in life, but still had to go to school and be a kid despite being an orphan. A word I never used about myself, and yet I use it freely for that little girl.
I thought about all the changes and emotional distress that little girl was facing, and how she would eventually learn to deal with it with anger, drugs and self mutilation and I feel so bad for her. Something I never did for myself, but will do it now for her.
I look back on that day, and the ones following it and it all seems like a blur to me. I remember eating chicken, and falling asleep smelling my mom’s coat, and carting around her (very unflattering) passport picture until it fell apart. I wish I could go to that little girl, and show her all the things that her new life are going to bring. That even though right now it sucks, to hang in there because it’s all going to be worth it in the end. Show her how that event may be hard now. The hardest. But that this life has branched off to something wonderful. I wish I could go offer that girl hope, hug her more because I know how much she needed them, and maybe be nicer to the aunt who was going to adopt her.
It’s taken me 20 years, but I don’t look back on that day with sadness for myself any more because I know what my life is now and that everything that my life is now, is because of what happened to me in the past. The troubles my mom had made me a better mom, and more aware of my own mental health. The living conditions I was raised in, have made me more aware of my own household and have given me the drive to stockpile food. It makes me more aware of my temper, and the beast that I can be, so that I’m not. I’ve learned to never walk away from my family in anger, and I make sure my last words to someone I love are never something I’d regret if I never saw them again.

Nikki calls me the other day to let me know she has the swine flu. No problem! I figure. I mean, we really didn’t have much contact. Except in a confined car. Shared a few drinks. Fondue. Fuck. Plus I was smooching ALL OVER the baby. Oh well, so totally worth it.
They say the incubation period is supposed to be really short (24-48 hours) however you’re not considered in the clear till 7 days. Meh, ok what am I going to do. I’m resting and drinking wellness teas and vitamin C and whatever. I feel mildly like ass, but I am so adamant that I will NOT be getting sick that maybe this shit doesn’t have a chance.
Meanwhile I’m looking at prevention for the minis.. because I really don’t want them getting sick. For selfish reasons. I don’t want to clean up puke.
Cross your fingers for me. I figure too, I might dump a large amount of alcohol through my body. Alcohol cleans things right?

I had an awesome time though. Much MUCH needed weekend. I left Friday, early in the AM. I felt bad that I didn’t say goodbye to everyone properly however it was a bit rushed. Got to the airport a little early so I had a beer. At 11am. It was delicious. Got on my plane and had an entire row to myself for that leg of the flight. I was hoping it’d be the same for the second leg. Sadly no. I thought I had more time than I did, so while I ran and got another drink (for free, thanks to some dude paying for it) then went to the bathroom I got in line just in time to see the last few people boarding. Shit. Southwest has open seating and they informed me that the flight was full. Last remaining seat was in the middle of a couple of *ahem* large folks. I’m not exactly tiny myself. I think there were so many rolls in this row between the three of us I should have got some sausage gravy. *sigh* No tray tables either since I Was up front so I am precariously holding this drink with my arms forced out in front of me and trying not to drop my shit everywhere. I finally settle into my book and then we land. I was first off the plane. I had sweat marks on each side.

Finally figure out where my bag was coming out, and then go hunt down Nikki. She has the raddest car on the planet. I turned on the ass warmer just because I could. Get there and there is Audrey. oh man she is the cutest damn thing. Just a small sample of what I was “forced” to spend time with over the weekend.

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I know. Poor me right? I was worried she wouldn’t like me but she loved me (I think) and I loved her right back. We discuss dinner and head out, just her and I for some food. The first place we went to had like an hour wait and no room at the bar (PF Chang’s) so we hit this Italian place next to us. She took the PF chang’s pager with her too, which is hilarious. Shorter wait at the Italian spot, and room at the bar so we decide to stay here. Sit down and order a couple drinks and some appetizers (amazing yummy stuffed mushrooms) and bread. Both of us put our placemats on our laps thinking they were napkins… oops.

After dinner we head to the biggest liquor store on the planet. Pick out a few bottles of wine, and head home. As awesome as we are (I was tired) we camped out on the couch with laptops and glasses of wine with Nikki’s husband James refilling our glasses and making us popcorn. Awesome. Turn in, and I slept my ass off. This is the first time in like two months I haven’t had insomnia, and I slept for like 10 hours.

I got up and started our day. I got to snuggle Audrey again for a short amount of time, then we left to go see some sights. First stop was Starbucks. Nikki got a frappuccino with an awesome amount of whipped cream. It looked like a boob so of course we took pictures.

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She didn’t finish it, in fact hardly touched it. So, there it sat with no lid on it in the cup holder beside her. This will become relevant later, I swear.

Next to a place called Garden of the Gods. Beautiful scenery, mountains and red rock and beautiful foliage and .. well, everything. The day was perfect too. Not too hot, not too cold.

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and a rock I dubbed “Vagina rock”. This, I said loudly as a couple walked by. This couple of course heard me and started laughing. “Did you just say what I think you said?” she asks. In all fairness, it totally looked like a vag.
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“Did you want us to take your picture?” the lady asks. OF course we did!!! (Wishing now I’d got a picture of myself fisting the rock, but I didn’t want to push it too hard and offend the couple offering to take our picture)

If the rock wasn’t so awesome I’d never share these pictures because I look like a pig, but whatever.

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So, this place was busy as hell but was still fun and totally uncrowded just nowhere really to park. We decide to head to a small hippie granola gay sort of town (you know, MY kind of place) and we were going to walk around and shop a little however that place also was fucking PACKED. Like, nowhere to park at all. She shows me around via the car a bit, and I was instantly in love.. then on we went. We decide to head to her rental house so I can see it. This is THE cutest house ever. Fenced yard, the works. If things worked in my favor I could wind up renting here (and this would be good for them, since I’d actually pay my rent unlike the people that lived there) so here I hope that if I can’t move to Canada, I at least get to move to CO.
We leave the lesbians, Nikki uses her phone to call someone and puts it beside her (again this is relevant. You may figure it out yourself here in a second) and we drive around a bit. Unsure of what to do next, Nikki is going to call her husband to see what to do. She looks down to get her phone and there sits her blackberry pearl, comfortably floating in her now melted frappuccino. Fuck. Quickly she pulls the dripping phone out of the drink and I grab it from her (she’s driving) and put it in my lap looking for something to put it on so I can take the battery out. This results in sticky crotch, of course I take pictures.
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Anyway now Nikki needs a new phone. We head over to the Verizon store, where there is a nice long wait ahead of us. We run over to the beauty supply store next to Verizon to look around, then head back. Still 5 people ahead of her. We get caught up looking at blackberry phones and discover that her name is no longer on the list. We ask the greeter (whose name tag only says “greeter”. Awesome.) and she stops cleaning touch screens long enough to say “I’ll get it looked at” and she goes back to cleaning screens and greeting. After a few minutes MY head is going to explode and I ask her if she’s still “Taking care of it” and she grabs a manager. He walks away, does something on a computer, and comes back. “We have you back on the list” he says.
“Uh. Okay. Nikki was already ON that list”
Manager [Tony]: Well we put her on the TOP.
Me: uh, yeah… because there’s nobody else on the list.
Tony: Well we have to wait for a salesperson to be free.
Nikki: I was already on that list. I didn’t hear anyone call my name. When I did mention it I got no apology, and attitude.
Me: *head nearly exploding*
Tony: Well we put you back on the top of the list.
Me: So.. do you not know how to sell phones to people?
Tony: I can’t. I need to stay on the floor.
Me: So you can’t. Weird. I would have thought someone coming in to drop a bunch of money on a phone and extend their contract would get better treatment, but whatever.
Tony: Well I can’t pull someone from a customer. That would be rude.
Me: *So going to explode*
Nikki: Fine. We’ll wait.
And we did. Not terribly long, and the guy who took care of her was worth the wait. He rocked. After getting her fully taken care of, we leave and greeter says to Nikki “Have a nice day thanks for coming”
Nikki: Don’t talk to me
Me: Go to hell.

You have to understand.. not once, NOBODY (except the salesman) apologized for what happened. I didn’t want a miracle. I didn’t want her to take someone’s spot. I wanted that douchebag to act like a MANAGER for crap sakes. That’s all. Jeez.
Immature highlight of the moment besides me saying go to hell.. while the greeter was cleaning touch screens, I followed behind her rubbing my hand on the freshly cleaned screens.

Out the door with a new phone, it’s off to get ready to go eat at The Pot.
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Texted Cathy to get a good wine recommendation (and god was she ever right. Holy shit.) and she asks us where we are, etc. And then we get off the phone. Turns out, she was asking where so that she could buy us a bottle of wine. Best moment EVER. (Cathy. You rule. Seriously)
So our server was a-ma-zing! She was funny and quick and professional but good natured with our teasing. I adored her. Like, I wanted to take her home. So, commence the drinks, the food, the fun. We were having an awesome time. I even dripped on my shirt.
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(Isn’t she pretty)
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At some point during the meal, our conversation moved to a really brief discussion of gays, and lesbians. I think I might have even said the word homo once. Suddenly the manager comes out and (really apologetically) asks us to watch our language…………..too shocked to be pissed off that gay lingo is considered bad language we apologize and continue with our meal, however with admittedly less zeal. At first we, both angry, consider pressing the issue however decide to leave it alone. It wasn’t the manager’s fault anyway and I wouldn’t have wanted to make it harder on him. So, meal finished, our server tells us what a delight we were to which we scoff and she says “I don’t care what anyone says, you two were a pleasure”
bwahahahahaha. Story of my life right?
Time to leave, the rest of the trip decidedly uneventful.
Farewell to my sweet Audrey
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obligatory titty shots
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glitter boobs
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Getting on the plane on the way home
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I feel completely refreshed (if not still seriously weary and exhausted). I need to do this more often. Thanks, Nikki.

Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I’ve been so exhausted for nobody knows why for the last two weeks. My body hurts. Today has just worn me out and it seems like so much has gone wrong. I’m tired of kids, diapers, fighting, screaming, crying.. I’m tired of BEING. It disgusts me that men can create a family and walk away from it just like that. No ramifications. I am left to clean up the mess.

I’m so tired of the crap, the emotional roller coaster. I feel lower thanĀ  low, because I can’t distance myself emotionally from a person who is obviously playing games with me and using me to make his life better, but only for HIM and not me.

I’m sick with myself for being dumb and playing house with him and doing everything in the hopes that I might do that one perfect thing to bring him back to me.

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