The Little Girl 20 Years Later

Today marked the 20th anniversary of my mom’s horrible accident.
If you haven’t read it, you can read about it here

I’ve thought some about my mom today. I cried some about my mom today. I thought about my family, and I missed them. How we all pulled together when this happened.
I thought about the little girl whose 10th birthday was just around the corner from a serious life altering event like that, and I cried for her.
I thought about how that little girl had no idea what was going to happen in life, but still had to go to school and be a kid despite being an orphan. A word I never used about myself, and yet I use it freely for that little girl.
I thought about all the changes and emotional distress that little girl was facing, and how she would eventually learn to deal with it with anger, drugs and self mutilation and I feel so bad for her. Something I never did for myself, but will do it now for her.
I look back on that day, and the ones following it and it all seems like a blur to me. I remember eating chicken, and falling asleep smelling my mom’s coat, and carting around her (very unflattering) passport picture until it fell apart. I wish I could go to that little girl, and show her all the things that her new life are going to bring. That even though right now it sucks, to hang in there because it’s all going to be worth it in the end. Show her how that event may be hard now. The hardest. But that this life has branched off to something wonderful. I wish I could go offer that girl hope, hug her more because I know how much she needed them, and maybe be nicer to the aunt who was going to adopt her.
It’s taken me 20 years, but I don’t look back on that day with sadness for myself any more because I know what my life is now and that everything that my life is now, is because of what happened to me in the past. The troubles my mom had made me a better mom, and more aware of my own mental health. The living conditions I was raised in, have made me more aware of my own household and have given me the drive to stockpile food. It makes me more aware of my temper, and the beast that I can be, so that I’m not. I’ve learned to never walk away from my family in anger, and I make sure my last words to someone I love are never something I’d regret if I never saw them again.

 

oinkoinkoink

Nikki calls me the other day to let me know she has the swine flu. No problem! I figure. I mean, we really didn’t have much contact. Except in a confined car. Shared a few drinks. Fondue. Fuck. Plus I was smooching ALL OVER the baby. Oh well, so totally worth it.
They say the incubation period is supposed to be really short (24-48 hours) however you’re not considered in the clear till 7 days. Meh, ok what am I going to do. I’m resting and drinking wellness teas and vitamin C and whatever. I feel mildly like ass, but I am so adamant that I will NOT be getting sick that maybe this shit doesn’t have a chance.
Meanwhile I’m looking at prevention for the minis.. because I really don’t want them getting sick. For selfish reasons. I don’t want to clean up puke.
Cross your fingers for me. I figure too, I might dump a large amount of alcohol through my body. Alcohol cleans things right?

 

Boobs, wine and cute babies

I had an awesome time though. Much MUCH needed weekend. I left Friday, early in the AM. I felt bad that I didn’t say goodbye to everyone properly however it was a bit rushed. Got to the airport a little early so I had a beer. At 11am. It was delicious. Got on my plane and had an entire row to myself for that leg of the flight. I was hoping it’d be the same for the second leg. Sadly no. I thought I had more time than I did, so while I ran and got another drink (for free, thanks to some dude paying for it) then went to the bathroom I got in line just in time to see the last few people boarding. Shit. Southwest has open seating and they informed me that the flight was full. Last remaining seat was in the middle of a couple of *ahem* large folks. I’m not exactly tiny myself. I think there were so many rolls in this row between the three of us I should have got some sausage gravy. *sigh* No tray tables either since I Was up front so I am precariously holding this drink with my arms forced out in front of me and trying not to drop my shit everywhere. I finally settle into my book and then we land. I was first off the plane. I had sweat marks on each side.

Finally figure out where my bag was coming out, and then go hunt down Nikki. She has the raddest car on the planet. I turned on the ass warmer just because I could. Get there and there is Audrey. oh man she is the cutest damn thing. Just a small sample of what I was “forced” to spend time with over the weekend.

I know. Poor me right? I was worried she wouldn’t like me but she loved me (I think) and I loved her right back. We discuss dinner and head out, just her and I for some food. The first place we went to had like an hour wait and no room at the bar (PF Chang’s) so we hit this Italian place next to us. She took the PF chang’s pager with her too, which is hilarious. Shorter wait at the Italian spot, and room at the bar so we decide to stay here. Sit down and order a couple drinks and some appetizers (amazing yummy stuffed mushrooms) and bread. Both of us put our placemats on our laps thinking they were napkins… oops.

After dinner we head to the biggest liquor store on the planet. Pick out a few bottles of wine, and head home. As awesome as we are (I was tired) we camped out on the couch with laptops and glasses of wine with Nikki’s husband James refilling our glasses and making us popcorn. Awesome. Turn in, and I slept my ass off. This is the first time in like two months I haven’t had insomnia, and I slept for like 10 hours.

I got up and started our day. I got to snuggle Audrey again for a short amount of time, then we left to go see some sights. First stop was Starbucks. Nikki got a frappuccino with an awesome amount of whipped cream. It looked like a boob so of course we took pictures.

She didn’t finish it, in fact hardly touched it. So, there it sat with no lid on it in the cup holder beside her. This will become relevant later, I swear.

Next to a place called Garden of the Gods. Beautiful scenery, mountains and red rock and beautiful foliage and .. well, everything. The day was perfect too. Not too hot, not too cold.

and a rock I dubbed “Vagina rock”. This, I said loudly as a couple walked by. This couple of course heard me and started laughing. “Did you just say what I think you said?” she asks. In all fairness, it totally looked like a vag.

“Did you want us to take your picture?” the lady asks. OF course we did!!! (Wishing now I’d got a picture of myself fisting the rock, but I didn’t want to push it too hard and offend the couple offering to take our picture)

If the rock wasn’t so awesome I’d never share these pictures because I look like a pig, but whatever.

So, this place was busy as hell but was still fun and totally uncrowded just nowhere really to park. We decide to head to a small hippie granola gay sort of town (you know, MY kind of place) and we were going to walk around and shop a little however that place also was fucking PACKED. Like, nowhere to park at all. She shows me around via the car a bit, and I was instantly in love.. then on we went. We decide to head to her rental house so I can see it. This is THE cutest house ever. Fenced yard, the works. If things worked in my favor I could wind up renting here (and this would be good for them, since I’d actually pay my rent unlike the people that lived there) so here I hope that if I can’t move to Canada, I at least get to move to CO.
We leave the lesbians, Nikki uses her phone to call someone and puts it beside her (again this is relevant. You may figure it out yourself here in a second) and we drive around a bit. Unsure of what to do next, Nikki is going to call her husband to see what to do. She looks down to get her phone and there sits her blackberry pearl, comfortably floating in her now melted frappuccino. Fuck. Quickly she pulls the dripping phone out of the drink and I grab it from her (she’s driving) and put it in my lap looking for something to put it on so I can take the battery out. This results in sticky crotch, of course I take pictures.

Anyway now Nikki needs a new phone. We head over to the Verizon store, where there is a nice long wait ahead of us. We run over to the beauty supply store next to Verizon to look around, then head back. Still 5 people ahead of her. We get caught up looking at blackberry phones and discover that her name is no longer on the list. We ask the greeter (whose name tag only says “greeter”. Awesome.) and she stops cleaning touch screens long enough to say “I’ll get it looked at” and she goes back to cleaning screens and greeting. After a few minutes MY head is going to explode and I ask her if she’s still “Taking care of it” and she grabs a manager. He walks away, does something on a computer, and comes back. “We have you back on the list” he says.
“Uh. Okay. Nikki was already ON that list”
Manager [Tony]: Well we put her on the TOP.
Me: uh, yeah… because there’s nobody else on the list.
Tony: Well we have to wait for a salesperson to be free.
Nikki: I was already on that list. I didn’t hear anyone call my name. When I did mention it I got no apology, and attitude.
Me: *head nearly exploding*
Tony: Well we put you back on the top of the list.
Me: So.. do you not know how to sell phones to people?
Tony: I can’t. I need to stay on the floor.
Me: So you can’t. Weird. I would have thought someone coming in to drop a bunch of money on a phone and extend their contract would get better treatment, but whatever.
Tony: Well I can’t pull someone from a customer. That would be rude.
Me: *So going to explode*
Nikki: Fine. We’ll wait.
And we did. Not terribly long, and the guy who took care of her was worth the wait. He rocked. After getting her fully taken care of, we leave and greeter says to Nikki “Have a nice day thanks for coming”
Nikki: Don’t talk to me
Me: Go to hell.

You have to understand.. not once, NOBODY (except the salesman) apologized for what happened. I didn’t want a miracle. I didn’t want her to take someone’s spot. I wanted that douchebag to act like a MANAGER for crap sakes. That’s all. Jeez.
Immature highlight of the moment besides me saying go to hell.. while the greeter was cleaning touch screens, I followed behind her rubbing my hand on the freshly cleaned screens.

Out the door with a new phone, it’s off to get ready to go eat at The Pot.

Texted Cathy to get a good wine recommendation (and god was she ever right. Holy shit.) and she asks us where we are, etc. And then we get off the phone. Turns out, she was asking where so that she could buy us a bottle of wine. Best moment EVER. (Cathy. You rule. Seriously)
So our server was a-ma-zing! She was funny and quick and professional but good natured with our teasing. I adored her. Like, I wanted to take her home. So, commence the drinks, the food, the fun. We were having an awesome time. I even dripped on my shirt.



(Isn’t she pretty)

At some point during the meal, our conversation moved to a really brief discussion of gays, and lesbians. I think I might have even said the word homo once. Suddenly the manager comes out and (really apologetically) asks us to watch our language…………..too shocked to be pissed off that gay lingo is considered bad language we apologize and continue with our meal, however with admittedly less zeal. At first we, both angry, consider pressing the issue however decide to leave it alone. It wasn’t the manager’s fault anyway and I wouldn’t have wanted to make it harder on him. So, meal finished, our server tells us what a delight we were to which we scoff and she says “I don’t care what anyone says, you two were a pleasure”
bwahahahahaha. Story of my life right?
Time to leave, the rest of the trip decidedly uneventful.
Farewell to my sweet Audrey

obligatory titty shots

glitter boobs

Getting on the plane on the way home

I feel completely refreshed (if not still seriously weary and exhausted). I need to do this more often. Thanks, Nikki.

 

tired

Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I’ve been so exhausted for nobody knows why for the last two weeks. My body hurts. Today has just worn me out and it seems like so much has gone wrong. I’m tired of kids, diapers, fighting, screaming, crying.. I’m tired of BEING. It disgusts me that men can create a family and walk away from it just like that. No ramifications. I am left to clean up the mess.

 

Ugh. Men.

I’m so tired of the crap, the emotional roller coaster. I feel lower than  low, because I can’t distance myself emotionally from a person who is obviously playing games with me and using me to make his life better, but only for HIM and not me.

I’m sick with myself for being dumb and playing house with him and doing everything in the hopes that I might do that one perfect thing to bring him back to me.

 

Been a while

and wow has life changed since I posted last. I guess things always change, life can’t be static. I get that. I admit that I’m not happy with where my life has gone at this point.

It’s hard not to be desolate and negative, and it’s harder to feel like there is going to be happiness again. I’ve reached some serious low points and I don’t want to go back there. I’m trying to stay busy but sometimes that is just not enough.

I’m angry, and bitter. Every time I have to do something myself, laundry or dishes. Groceries or bed time. I am resentful that he is usually sleeping all day while I’m running my ass off trying to keep my family running smoothly. Okay not smoothly, just at all. It’s hard doing it yourself with this many children. I’m also angry and bitter that he will undoubtedly find himself settled happily into a new life without any true responsibility and I am left holding the bag. I am tempted to tell him to take the kids most days even though I know his parenting is ridiculous. I also know that most likely he would still be able to live a normal life because his mom would take over.

I want to move back home, to Canada where I should have been in the first place. There are a lot of conflicting emotions about my wanting to leave, guilt and fear but mainly I just want to go home. I wonder though, is that the answer or am I just being vindictive and taking his kids from him? I know he’s not going to step up in the end, and I know he’s just going to go about life like we never happened eventually… or do I? Am I just using that as justification?

I wish I could be satisfied with my life, regardless of the path it takes but right now I’m just really unhappy with the way it’s gone. I feel like I’ve let down my children, by not being smart with the men I choose in my life and by not being smart with the choices I make with education, jobs, etc. I honestly feel like a complete utter failure and of absolutely no good to anyone in this world.

I think back to my mom. She wasn’t a good parent, and I KNOW I’m a better parent than she was but that’s not the point here. I remember how devastated I was when she died. I thought that my life would never be good without her. I realize now that my life was BETTER without her. I hate saying that, obviously I loved and still love my mom, but my future just could not have been positive (haha, cause it is now..) if my life had continued on its path it was on with her. I probably would have ended up in repeated bad, dangerous situations as a child. As much as my mother loved me, and I loved her, love itself wouldn’t possibly have been enough to make sure that I had a good life, and as awful as it may be her dying was a GOOD thing for me. I look at Michael’s mom, and the way she’s raised his brother and sisters and their outcome, and it’s not good either. Her situation was/is so similar to mine, 4 young kids, going it alone, depressed, pissed off.. ridiculous uninvolved father.. she spends her days either in bed, wallowing in misery or off on far away vacations without her 14 year old daughter. Her youngest is miserable, depressed and hates living with her mother. When I tried to talk to her about it she said it wouldn’t matter because her mom doesn’t care anyway.

Sometimes it’s NOT a good thing when the mother ends up with the kids, but I could never ever give my kids to that man. He is a ridiculous parent. He lacks even basic parenting skills, communication skills, and really they’d end up being raised by the woman I just described which isn’t good for them either.
I feel like I’m out of options at this point. I’m not good enough for my children at this point in time, but I lack the drive and the energy and the brains to make it better. Their father is a ridiculous hot mess. I just don’t see any positive direction that my life can go in at this point in time, and that is scary.

 

well at least you HAVE a job

if one more person says that to me when I bitch about my job I’m going to slap someone. At this point I’d probably enjoy a layoff.
God damn you, job.

 

Stupid.

Now I remember why I don’t discuss things with people. Ever.

 

If you want me to do something, say so

Nobody gets why I’m pissed about this. Why is it okay for him to get away with this shit?

I come home from picking up eggs from the store, and milk and a few other things. I had cleaned the living room top to bottom that day, since I was home. The kitchen was a mess, with gross dishes and the kids had made a mess on the floor from lunch. I was kind of hoping he’d maybe get on the stuff HE needs to do, plus maybe attack that mess from the kids lunch. I get home and not only is the kitchen the same, but there’s a mess in the living room from the kids and he left his food mess all over the place. This is the same guy who lets the kids have corn dogs for lunch and walk around while “eating” them (that means smushing them into the floor)

I say “oh, looks like you’ve been busy” and he gets all puffy and says “If you want me to do something say so”

Okay. Dude. You’re the primary caregiver. You ARE the stay at home parent. There is no way in fucking HELL this would fly if I had left the house to become a shithole and when asked about it say “well nobody TOLD me to do it”

You’re a lazy gross fucking piece of shit. You need to get a fucking job so I can stay home because this isn’t working. You leave the place a gross mess, you rarely change their diapers until they’re leaking and you forget TO FEED THE KIDS. Let’s discuss the time you thought the oven was a good place to leave an entire lasagna overnight. You fucking suck as a parent. I want to punch you.

There I said it. I feel better.

 

this is why you should always listen to me

Today was a good productive day. I got a lot of things done that I haven’t really been able to do (though not laundry.. that will have to be tonight I guess)

Michael of course managed to not accomplish anything at all. He had ONE thing on his agenda today. Go renew his license that expired a month ago, that’s it. So, I send him on his merry way at 4 after trying to get him out the door for an hour. He’s looking for the DMV on mapquest and I told him where it was and to forget mapquest.

30 minutes later he calls me, lost. “I took the freeway”

“why did you take the freeway, I told you to take the Boulevard all the way down”
“your directions didn’t make any sense”
“dear sweet jesus. Whatever. Enjoy finding it.”
He comes home at 5:15 without a renewed license. Idiot.